my first breathwork experience

I’m writing this the morning after my very first Cacao and breathwork ceremony. Mood: elated, motivated, refreshed, determined.

My longtime friend mentioned this ceremony to me a few weeks ago, and with some hesitation, I signed up. Hesitation because WTF is Cacao (boujee hot chocolate?) and breathwork is just deep breathing right?

Cacao ceremonies date back to 1900 B.C. and were conducted by the Maya and Ancient Aztec civilizations. Ceremonial grade-Cacao is the raw, unrefined version of cocoa or chocolate, usually sourced from farms in South America. Cacao's heart-opening properties are often attributed to its high levels of theobromine, a mild stimulant that's believed to temporarily boost mood.

The ceremony was held in a beautiful, refurbished barn in the middle of flowing, green fields. The sun was preparing to sink into the horizon and there was a consistent, light rainfall. It was totally a vibe.

After rolling out my yoga mat and setting up my space in the circle with 15 others, the ceremony leader poured cacao into each of our mugs. We whispered our intention into the warm, thick Guatemalan drink and called on the spirit of cacao to join us in ceremony. The flavor profile: bitter, sweet and spicy. I pretty quickly felt grounded and open.

We completed a series of deep visualization meditations on connecting with our inner child. We were guided to meeting and observing our ourselves as children. I felt emotions of both happiness and sadness (in a nostalgic way) come up, as the carefree, innocent little me looked up at me now.

Following this was a session of journaling, answering the questions “when you were little, what came easily to you, what got you excited, what did you often do that you rarely do now, how did adults describe you?” We went back into a guided meditation on the now. The to-do list’s, the anxieties, the overthinking… everything that wasn’t there when we were children.

Obviously, we can’t let go of all our responsibilities, but the second journal entry was surrounding the areas in our lives we can change. “In what life areas or relationships do you find yourself lying, telling half-truths, withholding thoughts and opinions and being inauthentic, where do you feel what you do is never enough, what drains vs fuels your energy?” This was really eye-opening to me.

The journal entry and meditation that wrapped everything up was on action. Nothing can change unless we take new action. “Can you give yourself permission to do what’s right for you, what is one thing you could do or boundary you can set this week to honor your child self and create more ease and peace in your life?”

The alignment workshop was over, and it was time for breathwork.

Breathwork: intentionally changing your breathing pattern. Breathing in a conscious and systematic way, which influences your mental, emotional and physical state.

The breathwork coach taught us the pattern- all belly breathing, through the mouth, two quick inhales, one exhale. It was fast paced- one in-in-out sequence was done in about a second. This pattern was said to be the same way our body breathes and feels when it’s in fight or flight response. When we feel we are in danger and we need to protect ourselves.

We were following this breathing pattern for thirty minutes. Laying on my back, I stared at the ceiling, not knowing what this next half-hour would bring. Would I actually feel something? Would I feel super relaxed? We went around the circle and shouted an intention we had for this session. Mine was “release”. Justin Bieber started playing on the speaker. “Start breathing!”

I was totally expecting some mediation bells and bowls music, so the playlist of Biebs, Muse and other high energy music came as a surprise to me. A good surprise!

Everyone was breathing loud, exaggerating the breath in, it sounded like gasps. The leaders came around and made sure we were using our belly to breathe more than our chest. They were shouting encouragements and positive words. Halfway through the first song, it hit me. Justin Bieber faded to the background and it felt like I was going into full panic attack mode. I’ve been here before- this terrible, scary feeling where I begin to lose control of my body. I wondered if I should just resort to some deep breaths and take a break. “Keep going, you’ve done harder things.”

My arms curled up against my sides, my hands under my chin. The second song was playing, we were five minutes in and my body was tingling and numb. My hands resembled crab claws, which we were told before was a normal thing that happens during breathwork. This phenomenon is called Tetany, and it’s caused by a deficiency of Carbon Dioxide in the blood (from the shallow breathing). Carbon Dioxide keeps your veins open, so when your CO2 levels drop, your veins contract.

On a spiritual level, this represents some sh*t your’e holding onto and need to let go. “Just let it go!”

The third song started: I was laughing, my face was twisting into weird expressions and I looked like a crab. Laughing quickly turned into crying, yes, completely bawling my eyes out. At this point, I was letting go. Of what? I don’t know, but I was surrendering to my breath and my body. The barn was filled with cries, shouts, gasps, and just pure emotion expressed physically. My ego went out the door, I gave myself permission to let out whatever felt right.

The numbness and tingling turned into a feeling of being full of bright light and warmth. My hands un-tensed and I was floating. I was still following the breathing pattern, and I was comfortable in it.

“You are about to experience the best energy release you’ve ever experienced.” After thirty minutes, we were told to scream as loud as we could. Yell and let that sh*t OUT! Three, two, one… I’m just gonna say my throat still hurts after what I released in that screaming session. It was surreal.

We finished the night with a mediation to bring us back to earth- I cried through the entire thing, along with many others. An oracle card was pulled from a pile and one of the leaders read it aloud. This made me smile because it resonated so much with me. I needed that card, it grounded me and made me so incredibly grateful to be in the circle with everyone that night.

The fifteen others in the circle were strangers to me (besides my friend who introduced me to the event), but I left feeling connected with each person, for we just went through that powerful experience together, and each one of us contributed to the power it held. Through sharing personal stories, emotions and being completely vulnerable with each other, I felt I made some amazing connections.

There are so many details I just can’t describe through this article, but I hope it makes you want to try breathwork. Intense breathwork is doing the deep, scary work. The work that needs to be done, that you consciously might not realize. Facing my fears in the beginning of the session and continuing with the breath pattern was extremely difficult, but I knew I came for a reason and that I needed to fully surrender to see results. You cannot expect change without action.

Thank you to Porta Alchemica Healing Arts @porta_alchemica_skan for hosting this event!

Also to The Kester Homestead for letting us use this beautiful space, Tess Teater @tessteater_breathwork for introducing me to breathwork, Morgan Noble @soulrememberer for being an amazing leader and coach. And shoutout to every brave, beautiful soul who sat in that circle with me.